Does This Blog Hurt My Dating Prospects?

I went out with a beautiful girl recently that I met online. (I got her permission to write this post. I would never want someone to worry about anything private ending up in my blog). She asked me if I’ve been on a lot of online dates. I told her a few. She told me that I was her first. She joined the site 3 days earlier, got 160 emails and decided to go out with me.

I was flattered. I asked her what made her choose me. She said my pictures were cute, I seemed adventurous, and I fit the criteria of what she was looking for. She then said that the methods I described in my blog had apparently worked on her. She had Googled my name, and found my blog before going out with me. She was a little spooked when she read it. She said that I used the same technique with her to set up a date that I described in the blog. She knows that people need to be strategic in dating but it was scary to her to see it all laid out like that. It all seemed a little manipulative. It also felt weird for her to see all my cards lying on the table. She still wanted to go out with me but reading the blog made her pause.

This got me questioning whether writing to help other people with their dating would hurt my own dating life. I can see two potential concerns for women considering dating me. One, it might make a girl feel uneasy to know that I’m more deliberate and more cognizant of the psychology at play in the dating process. Fair enough, however I think finding the partner of your dreams is far too important to not approach it with thought and purpose. Similarly, it doesn’t mean you can’t balance being mindful with going with the flow and letting things happen naturally.

The second concern for women might be a fear of being manipulated. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being worked. Everyone wants to feel that they like someone because there’s a real connection and not because they were subjected to psychological ploys. To that end it’s worth reiterating that I don’t encourage anyone to act in a disingenuous way. Even if you could trick someone into liking you (which you can’t in the long run), neither of you would be happy. My whole concept on games and strategy in dating all revolve around the idea of getting your foot in the door so the other person will give you a chance to show them the real you.

I think I’ll end this deliberate dating discussion with a happy and frustrating thought. Games don’t need to be the end of romance. Once in a blue moon I’ll meet a girl that I’m overwhelmingly drawn too. It happens very infrequently. I can’t always explain what it is about the girl but there’s something special and she really stands out to me. I lose interest in other girls and become fixed on the one girl. When this happens I get excited, a little bit nervous and I completely lose my ability to play games. It feels like I’m stripped of all my powers. I can’t act in the way I know I should be acting in order to get her to give me a chance. I’ve spoken to a lot of people about dating and most people can identify with this issue.

There’s something unfortunate about this. Right when you need your game the most, you lose it. You can very well miss out on a real special girl because you can’t put your best foot forward. The flip side of this is a magical opportunity. You can’t win the girl over with the same bullshit you’ve used before and there’s something nice about that.  If you can’t behave in the confident, deliberate way that you ideally would but the girl likes you anyway, now you have a chance at the fairytale.

Another perhaps more common story but with an equally happy ending is if you maintain your ability to play the game and get to know a person. The person’s special qualities sneak up on you. You come to realize how awesome the person is. Had you realized from the beginning how great they are you might not have had the confidence to get things started.

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This post was written because a girl's response to my post on games in dating and my posts on online dating:

Any Single Person should try online dating 

Creating a good online dating profile

Better ways to send messages in online dating

Better Ways to Send Messages in Online Dating

            Once you have a good profile together the next step is finding women (or men) that interest you. My only advice is to not go off looks alone. I use pictures as a preliminary screen. If I’m not attracted to a girl I don’t even begin to read their profile. Who’s kidding who, looks matter. However, looks should only get a person in the door. After narrowing the pool of applicants to aesthetically datable people, decisions should be based on internal merits. This is true in all forms of dating not just online dating.

           

The next step is effectively messaging people. Again, I used to suck at this and have since gotten pretty good at it. Here are the key things I’ve learned: First, you’re messaging should be goal oriented towards setting up a date. I’m not on these sites for the purpose of finding pen pals. If you particularly enjoy typing back and forth then by all means however if your purpose is setting up dates then you should stay on task. As such you should be driving towards asking someone out and do it early on. To that end, my general goal is to get off the computer and phone as quickly as possible and get into the real world. People and their stories all blend in with each other when typing back and forth. I actually got to the point where I keep notes on people. That’s neither romantic nor fun. I enjoy meeting and getting to know people. Dates are generally fun even if a girl isn’t right for me. I don’t enjoy typing back and forth. It feels like work. Finally, I learn more about a person and whether I’m interested in them in the first five minutes of meeting them in person than I do with all the time spent online.

Along these same lines, I find it much more effective when I can catch a girl online and we can instant message rather than e-mailing back and forth. You can cover a lot more ground and can be a lot more playful with someone responding right away rather than the time delays of e-mail. I’ll generally try to instant message back and forth for 10-20 minutes and then ask the girl out. I see no reason to introduce an intermediary step between instant messaging and a date.

            When messaging a girl for the first time, I used to write these elaborate letters after carefully considering a girl’s profile. That was a mistake. Girls have claimed that guys should write high-quality initial messages because after all, the only thing they have to judge you on is your profile and your message. This seems logical enough. However, if you define “high quality” by what is most likely to get a girl to respond to you then you’ll write a different kind of message. I got a very bad response rate with my elaborate, thoughtful messages. The messages I send now with a high success rate are very simple. They follow this general format:

Subject: You seem like fun

You sound like a cool person. I also really like X. It’s interesting that you do Y.

what made you chose to get into that?

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This does a few things.

1)     It shows you that you took the time to read their profile rather than messaging people generically on mass. Also, maybe you choose to show that you have at least one thing in common.

2)     It asks a question so the person has something to write you about rather than putting the burden of generating conversation on them.

3)     It expresses interest but not too much interest. Unfortunately humans are repelled by people who want them too much. A short message with a minor compliment expresses interest while not seeming overly interested. If you seemingly put in too much effort and time, sadly girls seem to subconsciously think you have fewer options and therefore have less going for you.

4)     It pays the girl a minor compliment. This should subconsciously bias a girl to want to see you favorably in order to validate the compliment. If she see’s you as worthwhile then she can feel better about herself because you thought she was cool.

It is important that it’s only a minor complement. If you offer a strong compliment it undermines the credibility of both the compliment and you. You don’t know the girl beyond reading a paragraph about her so you’re not in a position to pass meaningful positive judgment.

I think the same type of message should be effective when girls message guys. Also, if you’re a girl messaging a guy you can take it a step further and be more direct. You can simply write “I liked your profile. You seem like a fun, down to earth guy. I’d love to grab a drink and get to know you.” If a guy likes your profile he’ll go out with you and appreciate your directness. Again, it will skip a lot of tedious messaging back and forth and when you meet in person, you’ll know pretty quickly if you like each other or not.

When initially conversing with someone through any medium, it’s best to not focus too much on what either of you do for a living. This doesn’t apply if what you do is wildly interesting and defining of who you are but for most people it’s good advice. Everyone naturally gravitates to the topic of occupation but it generally makes for far less interesting or inspiring conversation. You generally want a girl to be able to check off that you’re professionally successful and have direction in your life but then move on. It’s much better to focus on whatever it is that makes you interesting. For me, I’ve traveled to a lot of cool places, and compete in jiu-jitsu, and in my spare time I’m writing a book. I’ve also managed software companies which is impressive on some level but just makes for more boring conversation. In general I’ll once again say, telling is not selling. Don’t merely provide a girl with the facts about you. Focus on whatever you’re passionate about and can speak charismatically about. You’ve got to be excited about your story before you can get someone else excited about it.

Better still, it’s preferable if much of the conversation can be discussing ideas rather than either person’s background. This makes the experience more like two friends chatting and less like a job interview. You get to know each other by the way each person thinks, and communicates. You can get a feel for each other’s sense of humor. It’s difficult to take the focus away from each other’s backgrounds when you are initially getting to know each other but I find it’s both more enjoyable and more effective when you can steer the conversation that direction.

One challenge with online dating is that once you get good at it, you have too much choice. Of course this is much better than the alternative of not being able to find a date but the problem is that it’s easy to not give people a proper chance. I believe both guys and girls are too quick to write each other off because there are plenty of other options waiting for them. Similarly, I find with online dating, first dates are often spent evaluating each other rather than trying to make it work. Before online dating, I had fewer options available to me so I tried harder to make each date a success. My suggestion is to just be mindful of the problem and make a point to give people a proper chance. You can also be conscious to not compromise focus on creating and having a good time by worrying too much about evaluating the other person.

  Setting up dates online requires some skill much like setting up dates in the real world. Also, you need to have a thick skin and handle some rejection. However, again much like dating in the real world you get better at it with practice. Related to this point if what you’re doing isn’t working then start experimenting. If you keep doing the same thing then you should expect the same results. I once really sucked at online dating and I’m now pretty solid at it. I just needed to change my approach. I wish you the best of luck and remember dating should be fun.

 

Check out my post leading into this one about how to create a good online dating profile. 
Or if you're considering dating me and  reading this blog has made you nervous.

Step 1 in Online Dating: Making a Good Profile

When I first started online dating I was terrible at it and was horribly unsuccessful at procuring dates. I believe I was running into a few problems:

One, my profile sucked. My pictures were mediocre and the content of my essay was ordinary. Having since gotten much better at it, here are my suggestions for putting together a good profile:

First make sure you have good pictures. You’re naive if you don’t recognize that 80% of judgment in the online dating world is based on pictures. Both guys and girls are very much concerned with looks, guys a little more so. In general people first look at the pictures to see if they’re attracted, if someone likes your pictures they’ll then read your profile to see what you have to say. Try to avoid the self-taken pictures where you’re holding the camera, or you’re taking a picture in the mirror. I just don’t think those look very good.

It’s a common problem to go on a date only to immediately discover that the person’s pictures are misrepresentative of what they look like in real life. I’m personally weary of anyone who has only one picture displayed or has all of their pictures taken from above them. This is because anyone can look good in one picture and having a camera shoot on a downward angle is often used to conceal being a bit overweight. My theory is that some people who are self-conscious about their looks post misleading pictures. They think that if they can get past the hurdle online and get the chance to meet someone their personality will shine through. I think this is a mistake. I think the odds are low of winning someone over who’s just had their aesthetic expectations let down. It’s better to put yourself out there and speak with the people who appreciate the way you look. In your profile, like in life, I believe you want to present yourself in a favorable but accurate light. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

 To that end I recommend having some pictures which capture your face and have some pictures which capture your body. That way for better or for worse potential daters know what their getting and everyone goes in on the same page. People may screen you out if they don’t trust that your pictures are representative. You can also use pictures to show off your personality. I have some pictures of me doing adventure sports, some with friends, and some while traveling.

            So having good pictures will get you past the first hurdle and will get people to read your profile. The next obstacle is having a good essay. You don’t realize until you try to do it but writing 1-3 paragraphs to sum up what you’re about and why someone should date you is a real challenge. If you look at other people’s profiles, most people’s profiles look the same. Everyone likes a night on the town but is also happy cozying up at home to watch a movie. Trying to write about yourself and differentiate yourself is not easy. 

Here are my suggestions: First take a look at the competition. It’s worth looking at other people’s profiles so you know what you are being compared to and what you need to do to stand out. Second, put down in point form the key things that make you interesting and desirable to a potential mate. Finally you need to write it in a creative way. Remember telling is not selling. It doesn’t work to simply say that friends and family are important to you and that you’re passionate about traveling. Who isn’t? It needs to come through examples and/or the tone in which you write. That’s not easy. Get help from a friend if need be. As a quick aside, make sure to have correct spelling and grammar. So many girls’ profiles state that bad spelling and grammar are a turn-off. With modern technology it’s such an easy thing to get right so don’t fuck it up.

You can see my old essay below. It is too long and I’m sure that I lose some people who don’t have the patience to read it but it definitely stands out and accomplishes the others goals I’m trying for.

Plentyoffish.com Profile:

I'm going to try and sum up what I'm passionate about:

1) The relationships I develop and nurture in my life:

I am very close to my family. I have awesome, loving parents. I’m lucky enough to have a brother who is also my best friend. Sadly he lives in California so I generally visit out there twice a year to see him, my sister in law and my three adorable nieces. My brother and I also usually take a trip together once per year. We’re very good about finding time.

My friends are also such a key part of my life. My best friends are still the people I knew from when I was in high school. We understand each other in such a special way because we were together to see each other’s personalities form and develop. Maintaining strong relationships becomes more challenging as everyone gets busier with life but is very important and has been a great source of pride and happiness for me. It’s wonderful to have people who you feel such a loyalty towards and who will always support you.
My future family is almost certainly the key to my future happiness. I believe that 90% of my happiness will be determined by choosing the right person to spend my life with. What could be more important than having the right teammate in life? Also while I’m a few years away from wanting kids, I really look forward to it. I have had a lot of experience working with kids from teaching tennis, baseball, and skiing, and tutoring, and being a camp counselor. I think I’m really good at it. I connect, and relate very well with kids and look forward to raising my own. Having the best possible relationship with my family will be my priority in life.

2) Challenging myself and realizing my potential:

I challenge myself outside of work with various hobbies. Most recently I’ve been training at jiu-jitsu. So far it’s been great. It keeps me in shape, it’s fun, and there is no limit to how much you can improve.

I manage a software company. I’m not technical but am strong on the business side of things. It’s challenging work, I’m constantly learning new things and I’m fortunate to work with great people.

My career aspiration for the future is to run my own business. I am very entrepreneurial by nature and think I would take a real pride in something I built and own myself. Right now my leading idea is to run an adventure tour company. This way I could combine two passions. I’m envisioning taking very small groups of 18-30 year olds around Thailand. I’m sure I can provide people with cool experiences they wouldn’t have on their own.

In general I’ll be content professionally if I can always keep myself in a position where my work is challenging, I’m continuously learning and I can see a valuable contribution to others in what I do. A real dream would be to become financially secure enough that I can make self-fulfillment and contribution my sole professional focus without money being a distraction.

3) Special Experiences:

I guess this would be about doing cool things with cool people. I’m so passionate about traveling because I experience such awesome, memorable things that aren’t available in day to day life. I remember climbing mountains in Switzerland and New Zealand, getting stranded on the streets of Munich for a night, managing torrential down pour and having all our supplies flooded on Frasier Island, hiking through waterfalls in Thailand, becoming friends and staying with a 60 year-old woman in Tasmania. These experiences add a real fun to life and teach you how to turn problems and set-backs into adventure.

I’m looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders, with good priorities and who looks to have fun in life. Don’t be shy to message me. I love to get to know people.

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            I wouldn’t recommend most people writing something quite so long (especially if you’re a girl writing to a male audience) but you get the general idea.

            I have a couple pieces of advice for girls. First, I’m quite sure guys don’t pay as much attention to what you write as you do when reviewing guy’s profiles. So the pressure to put together a good essay is not as strong. However, you need to provide some details about your life so guys have something to write you about. Many girls have expressed frustration to me that guys often write stupid, immature messages like “you’re hot” or “I love your pics”. It is a shame that most guys suck like that (although it’s good that my competition is weak). However, as a girl you can do your part to provide guys with some substance to go off of when they message you.

            Next, I strongly recommend staying clear of writing negatively in your profile. For example, don’t write things like “if you can’t spell properly, don’t bother messaging me” or “If I don’t return your message, take a hint and don’t become an asshole, douchebag about it”. As a guy, I get turned off by this because I fear that if you’re bitchy in your writing, you’re likely bitchy in real life. I’m sure that it’s creepy guys who have caused you to write this way. However, your profile should be geared towards attracting quality guys rather than scarring off creepy ones.

      When I started online dating I fell into the trap of not putting proper thought and attention into my profile but putting a lot of thought into the individual messages I wrote people. This is a mistake. You get much more bang for your buck from a good profile. Everyone you communicate with will see it vs. just the one person seeing a given message. Writing a good profile isn’t easy. I actually enjoyed writing my profile and it was a good opportunity for me to do some self-assessment. I wish you best of luck in putting yours together.

Check out my post that came before this on why you should be online dating. 

Check out my next post on how to send effective message online.
Or if you're considering dating me and reading this blog has made you nervous. 

Any Single Person Should Try Online Dating

             If you have been single for a while and have some kind of mental or emotional block stopping you from online dating then you should get over it right away. It took me a while to finally jump into the world of online dating. I’m not sure what my hesitancy was. Maybe I felt like I should be able to meet people in the real world, or felt shy about other people I know seeing me online. I think I somehow associated it with personal ads. Online dating has become such a norm that it no longer holds any real negative stigma. And while it certainly has its pitfalls and problems, on balance it is an effective way to meet people and you’re limiting yourself by not including it as part of your overall dating strategy.

For some irrational reason, having to pay for a monthly membership also created some kind of obstacle to me getting going on online dating. First, you can do online dating for free. Personally a free dating site I’m on is www.plentyoffish.com. However, you shouldn’t let the fee dissuade you from any site you might be contemplating. Membership typically costs around $20/month. Guys, you can easily spend far more than that on one date. The fee shouldn’t dissuade you. Also, guys and girls, presumably finding a good mate is one of the most important priorities you have. Why wouldn’t you being willing to invest $20/month into something that important. I want to thank my brother for gifting me a 6 month membership on www.jdate.com. It was such a smart gift. Good gifts are things that a person wants or could use but for some reason won’t treat themselves to. It was a very thoughtful gift and if I find my wife on Jdate then I’ll truly be indebted to my brother.

You may be wondering, why should I pay for something that is available for free? The short answer is because paid sites are better quality. My experience is that on paid sites there are better quality people who are more committed to the process. The $20 serves as a nice filter weeding some people out. Also people who have plunked down some money are more likely to be serious about finding someone to date rather than just browsing to see what’s out there. Personally I’m on one free site and one paid site.

In conclusion, if you’re single and not online dating, don’t fuck around and get on it. You know when you have moments of inspiration and you stop what you’re doing to do something simple that you’ve procrastinated on for a long time. I call it “cracking the egg”. I believe this should be one of those things. Put down this book and go create a basic profile. It will take you literally only 15 minutes. You can worry about improving the quality of the profile later. Although make sure you do circle back to improving the quality of your profile. And also don’t hesitate to join a paid website.

           

Online dating effectively deals with the problem of not having enough time to go out and meet people. You can interact with many people from the comfort of your own home, in your underwear or when you’re bored at work. It’s also exciting because you have a buffet of women (or men) to choose from. When done skillfully, online dating is very efficient. You can set up a different date for each night of the week if you feel so inclined. For girls, I’m sure it’s doubly true.

            That being said there are a bunch of drawbacks to online dating. First, I was unpleasantly surprised to learn that setting up dates online isn’t easy. Online dating has its own whole set of rules and strategy. I don’t know why I thought it would be so simple. I was envisioning that you see pictures of a girl you think is attractive, you ask her to grab a cup of coffee (a metaphoric cup of coffee. I actually really dislike coffee shops as a place for a date), and if she also thinks you’re cute you meet. Unfortunately, it is seldom that simple. Much like the real world, you need to compete based on looks, overcome a trust barrier, and make your case for why you’re a worthwhile mate to someone with limited patience who has many other people vying for their attention. Also similar to the real world, you face being ignored and a lot of rejection.

           

With a little bit of time and practice I got a lot better and started meeting a lot of cool girls. Click here to see my next post on strategy for online dating. 
Or click here if you're considering dating me and reading this blog made your nervous.