The Plight of the Single 30 Year Old

            I’m a pretty confident guy and generally believe strongly in my ability to succeed at anything. I’ve always said if something is truly important to me I’ll make it happen. I’m also pretty good with women. Lately I’ve questioned myself a little bit as it relates to finding the woman of my dreams. There are few things that make me question myself:

One, I feel the best time for meeting women namely camp and college have passed. Those times in my life were so ideal for meeting women. Many guys and girls would all hang out altogether having fun and you could learn about a girl in the capacity of a friend and maybe it would turn into something more. These days I go on dates and both the girl and I are sizing each other up and assessing if the other person is qualified for the job. It’s definitely a less healthy approach.

Two, you can’t find love through sheer strength of will and determination. You need to have some luck on your side. You require luck in a few different ways. You need to have the good fortune of coming across a person that is well suited for you. You also need the good fortune of coming across such a person at the right time in both of your respective lives. Beyond needing to come across such a person when neither of you happen to be in a relationship, you need to come across this person when both of you are in a mental and emotional place to be ready to open up to each other.

For me, over time I oscillate between wanting to be in a meaningful relationship and wanting to have the fun and adventure of the single life. In order for a relationship to have a good chance of succeeding a girl needs to catch me at a time that I want to be caught. Similarly, if I’m too far to the other side of the spectrum, unless a girl is in the same place she’ll find that I can come on too strong. I definitely believe you need luck on your side, although that’s not say you can’t take control and improve your odds.

Three, I’m feeling time pressure. I feel time pressure for three reasons. First, I wish to have kids when I’m still relatively young. I plan on being a very active dad and I want to make sure that I have plenty of energy for playing with my kids and doing all sorts of things with them.

Second, my theory is that most quality women get snagged by guys early in life. As such the pool of quality women accessible to me gets progressively smaller as time goes by. The majority of quality, twenty-two year old women are still single. By twenty-three some have paired off. By, thirty the majority have paired off. It’s kind of like a game of musical chairs and you don’t want to wait too long to grab your seat.

Right now, I still make sense to date for a twenty-two year old. When I’m 30, a little less so. I also suspect that as I get older I lose a little of my boyish good lucks and the routine of a nine to five job depletes some of my mojo and charisma. Similarly as a twenty year old I was able to talk to women about my ambition and vision for the future. As you approach 30, it becomes less about what you plan on becoming and more about what you already are. It’s easier and far more fun, to sell a bright vision for the future then to sell the current reality.

My final concern is that as people get older their personalities become less malleable. I’m sure that you’ve heard “don’t try to change a person, accept them for who they are”. I believe in that in a way. However, I believe that when people know each other early in life their personalities develop together. This is why I think I relate so well to my high school friends. As such, as you get older I feel you need to compromise more in a relationship. When you meet someone earlier on I think you better establish priorities together and you find you more frequently want the same things and approach things in the same way.

Don’t get me wrong, people can find love at any age. There are quality women who remain single well past their twenties. There are also quality people on round 2 who have been married or in long term relationships and are now single. Similarly, even if our personalities tend to solidify as we get older, you can still find someone very compatible with you and you can work hard to keep yourself a malleable, evolving and improving person. I just feel that it all gets more difficult as time goes by.