When I was working in Florida my boss from
the Toronto office came to town for a visit and we went out for dinner. We
ordered a couple drinks at the bar while waiting to be seated.
We’re sitting enjoying our drinks when an
argument breaks out between one of the bartenders and a customer. The customer
has just paid his bill and believes he has given the bartender a 20 and is
expecting appropriate change. The bartender on the other hand believes that she
received $10 and provides change accordingly.
They argue back and forth over who’s correct.
They’re both really confident in their position. The customer argues that he
knows how much money he had in his wallet and can judge by what remains. The
bartender explains how they have standard procedures at the bar whereby every
dollar they receive gets counted twice before being put in the till. The argument
is getting heated. The customer is half yelling, the bartender is speaking in a
soured tone and many of the people at the bar and nearby tables have stopped
what they’re doing to watch the confrontation. The customer bemoans “whatever
happened to the customer is always right!?”
Finally the bartender gives the customer
the extra money and says, “Here you go, I know you’re completely wrong. I’m
certain that when we count up the receipts at the end of the night, it’s going to
prove you were wrong. But fine! If it’ll make you happy take the money!”
The customer exclaimed how the bartender cost
herself her tip, and asked to speak to the manager. He complains to the manager
about the service he received and leaves in a huff.
For what it’s worth, my best guess is that
the bartender was actually right and the man had given her $10 and not $20. And the
customer was not trying to get away with anything. He was genuinely convinced
that he was right.
My boss asks me what I think of the
situation. I said that the bartender was in a difficult spot. My boss then
explains: The bartender handled the situation in the worst way possible. He
reasoned that the bartender has two competing objectives. On one hand, she
would like keep the money. On the other hand she would like the customer to
leave happy. She failed miserably to achieve either objective. My boss could
support her politely keeping the money at the expense of angering the customer.
He similarly could support accepting the loss of $10 in the name of customer
service even though she knows that she is right. However her course of action
was useless. She lost the money and the customer left pissed off anyway.
My boss was absolutely correct in his assessment.
This type of conflict comes up a lot in life and it’s an important lesson to
learn. I experienced this when I was begrudgingly given a raise. My employer gave me more money and inspired resentment in return. You can similarly see this in customer service all
the time. I’m confident that anyone who ever complains or seeks refunds from
larger companies can relate to this. You call in to complain to a company about
anything. After wasting some time the customer support rep says “OK we’re going
to credit your account or give you part of what you’re asking for but only this
time.” Why is there a need to emphasize: “only this time”? The support rep is
taking the time to tell you that you’re getting your way because he is making an
exception and not because you’re actually justified in your complaint. I’m
personally numb to these kinds of remarks now. People will give you what you’re
explicitly asking for while going out of their way to make you feel
invalidated.
I think I understand why this happens. A
person takes a hit to their ego and pride when giving into you. Their comments
to assert that they are right is their attempt at an emotional consolation
prize. This way they don’t feel defeated. It’s an ineffective strategy. People
ought to take solace in their own knowledge that they are right and their
ability to recognize that being right isn’t always the most important thing.
This should be sufficient without the need to rub the other guy’s nose in it.
The other more important application of
this lesson relates to giving and receiving favors to loved ones. Have you ever
asked a friend or your spouse for a favor, they agree to do it but carry out
the favor with resentment? They come through for you but bitch and complain the
whole time.
A few negative things happen when this type
of exchange takes place. One, the person receiving the favor is unhappy about
being bitched at and is unappreciative of the favor. Two, the person providing
the favor gets a horrible deal. They’ve now inconvenienced themselves to
provide a favor, feel resentment instead of affection for the person their
providing the favor to and worst of all the person they were trying to help
begrudges them rather than appreciating them for their efforts.
If you’re anything like me you would much
prefer that people say no rather than say yes and bitch at you. Worse still is
if someone says “Yes” but then secretly resents you for asking. In either case
they have done you and your relationship a disservice by providing the favor.
In conclusion, either say “No” and hold
your ground or say “Yes” with a smile. But everyone loses when you give people
what they ask for but say “fuck you” while you do it.
----------------------
On a related discussion point many of the
problems that arise from giving and receiving favors might be caused by a conflict
between two types of people: Askers and Guessers. Andrea Donderi in a
very insightful web post identified
two kinds of people. There are Askers who feel free to ask people for whatever
they want under the assumption that the other person can quite freely say no if
they feel uncomfortable. Then there are Guessers who try to anticipate how the other person feels and will only make the request if they are confident that the
other person will say yes. Guessers will try to put
out subtle feelers to gauge a person’s feelings rather than just asking for
what they want and risking putting the other person in an uncomfortable
position. The asking approach has the benefit of being more direct, while
guessing shows a greater sympathy for other people’s social comfort. Both
approaches are valid but conflict can arise when these two types of people clash.
The take-aways would be to try and feel more comfortable saying no. And when asking for favors, be more cognizant
and respectful of the type of person you’re dealing with.
- I first read
about Andrea Donderi’s web post in the wonderful book called “Help!, How to become
slightly happier and get a bit more done” by Oliver Burkeman
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