The Magic of a Proper Apology

Confront problems: If you’re upset with a person let them know it and give them an opportunity to make things right. If you just keep your displeasure to yourself, obviously the relationship suffers in the short run but more importantly unresolved issues get dredged up in the future when there are new problems and animosity mounts. You need to pick your battles so you’re not resolving conflicts all the time but at the same time it’s important to address anything that really bugs you. You’re doing the other person a service by telling them you’re upset and giving them an opportunity to correct things rather than just liking them less. Also solving problems the right way strengthens the bond between people. A social conflict can be a real opportunity. When a problem is resolved in a proper way, you have the potential to have a stronger relationship than you had before the problem existed.

Apologize Properly: This is the flip side of confronting problems. When you are in the wrong, admit it and apologize immediately and whole heartedly. There are a few things that go into a proper apology. First, acknowledge what you did and the legitimacy of the other person’s feelings. Second, you must feel and communicate genuine remorse. If you don’t feel bad about what you did and regret your actions you can’t offer a meaningful apology. Three, you should offer and make an effort to correct any damage done by your actions whenever possible. Four, make a sincere promise to avoid repeating the offense in the future.

Defensiveness, justifying your behavior and emphasizing the other person’s role in the problem all undermine the strength of an apology. I’m not recommending accepting blame undeservedly but when you ultimately know you fucked up offer unqualified, sincere apologies.

Many people find it difficult to admit they’re wrong and apologize. It hurts the pride and can feel like your showing weakness. But the exact opposite is true. It takes much more strength of character to admit when you’re wrong. People don’t appreciate excuses, they highly appreciate genuine apologies. Excuses exacerbate problems and deteriorate relationships. Genuine apologies diffuse problems and strengthen relationships. If you don’t naturally feel comfortable admitting when you’re wrong and apologizing start practicing it. I promise it gets easier and actually feels really good. It’s cathartic to apologize and frees you of that shitty feeling you carry around when you know you fucked up.

Finally, a proper apology is very disarming in all types of relationships. For example if your boss is really pissed off because you’re 20 minutes late and you say this: “I’m really sorry I’m late. I screwed up. I understand why you’re mad. You have a reasonable expectation of your employees and I violated it. I plan on staying 40 minutes later tonight to make up for the time I missed this morning. In the future, I’m going to plan my mornings more effectively so I’m consistently at work on time. And again I’m sorry I screwed up today.” How is your boss able say anything other than OK and thank you? It makes no sense for your boss to belabor the point once you’ve acknowledged the problem and made a commitment to correct it. There is no more basis for anger or argument. Notice the example included all the components of a proper apology. This type of apology works in all types of relationships from professional to friendship to romantic. When you fuck up apologize properly.