Good Relationships Equals a Happy Life

Relationships with friends and family is one area of my life that is already truly rich. I have cultivated very rewarding, loving and enduring relationships with family and friends. I have great people in my life. I feel very supported and loved. I am confident that my family and friends feel I provide the same thing.

Relationships with the other human beings I believe is at the heart of happiness for most people. It certainly is for me. Understanding, being understood, appreciating, being appreciated, loving, being loved, supporting, being supported and sharing experiences and fun is what I believe to be the essence of life. The rest is ultimately noise. It’s very important to not forget it. It’s very easy to allow other elements of life to hog the majority of our focus and distract us from what makes us really happy.

Having quality relationships in your life is not a one time achievement. It is something that requires a lifetime of cultivation, nurturing and maintenance. And much like most good things in life you get out what you put in. This works in two ways: One being a good, committed friend is a reward in and of itself. You feel great about yourself when you put yourself out for people you care about. Also it feels great to care about others so much that you’re motivated to do it. Two, the more you put into relationships the more others will put in in return. I acknowledge this doesn’t always work perfectly. People don’t always reciprocate properly. People can be shitty that way but the rule generally holds true. 

My friend had back surgery a few years ago. He was so touched that our other friends and I went to the trouble to come in from our respective cities to visit him upon his release from the hospital. I told him the outpour of support he received was a reflection of the type of friend he has been over the years.

Friendship comes naturally for me. In general I’m plagued by laziness which impedes my pursuit of other objectives. I need to be disciplined to kick myself in the ass to do things that will make me happy. However, cultivating and nurturing relationships is one area that requires no discipline for me. I naturally want to be talking, spending time and having fun with my friends for the majority of my free time. So while having worthwhile relationships takes a great deal of effort, for me it’s very easy because unlike many things, it’s something I’m naturally inclined to pursue.

I think too many people take their friendships for granted. As people become adults with spouses, kids, mortgages, careers and all that other fun stuff they start to cut further and further into the time they spend with friends. I think having less time for friends is just a reality of adult life however it is very important to still give relationships the high priority they deserve. While it is important to dedicate a certain amount of time, it’s not all about time. It’s more a question of heart and level of engagement. Prioritizing relationships will make you happier while you are investing in them and you’ll find you’re strengthening and securing something you will very much want in place in the future.

           

Let’s discuss what goes into being a good friend. I don’t think there is a single recipe and different people look for different things but I can tell you the kind of friend I try to be/what I look for in others.

Loyalty: I try to inspire confidence in my friends that I will try my very best to come through for them in whatever way they may need me. It is important that I consistently come through and that I come through even when it’s not easy. Anyone can be a good friend when it’s convenient. You learn a lot about people when circumstances are difficult. The last component of this is prioritization. It is important to me that my friends feel I prioritize them appropriately in my life.

Dependability/Reliability: This basically means doing what I say I’m going to do. If I make plans with you, in the absence of the sky falling I will be there. The opposite of this is being flakey and over time it erodes friendships.

Acceptance: This means I know everything about you and I like you anyway. My friends should feel comfortable to be who they are and behave the way they want to behave and know that I’ll still want to be their friend and support them. In a good friendship you don’t feel the need to manage the impression you’re making.

People come as a package. There are going to be things you like and don’t like about everyone. However part of accepting a person means not getting angry with them for behaving as you expect them to. For example, I have a friend who is not reliable at keeping plans he makes. His flakiness is definitely something I dislike about him and it’s frustrating. However, he has many other redeeming qualities which make him a worthwhile friend on the whole. It doesn’t make sense for me to get angry with my friend each time he proves himself flakey because I know this about him when I sign up to be friends with him. I can choose to not be friends with him if I find his flaws that bothersome but if I choose to stay in the relationship than I should accept and tolerate undesirable behavior which is consistent with what I signed up for. It only makes sense to get angry when my expectations are violated.

The ability to tell a friend they’re fucking-up: I think it’s very important to have people in your life who let you know when you’re making a mistake. It’s socially awkward and difficult to confront someone with negative feedback. I know I have a good relationship with someone when they can comfortably tell me they think I’m wrong and need to make a change, and I can receive the feedback without being defensive and trust that the feedback is being given with the best intentions. This comes back to the issue of there being acceptance in the relationship. It is a lot easier to take negative feedback from a friend when you trust that the friend’s support is unwavering.

Reciprocity: This basically refers to both people committing and investing equally into a relationship. When one person puts more than the other into a relationship it’s very difficult for there not to be resentment. Ideally you find people who approach friendship the same way you do and desire the same level of investment. And of course don't let yourself be the weak link.


In short, find good people, and continually and happily work at nurturing the relationship. It'll be a reliable and consistent source of happiness and pride.

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Beyond, trying to be a friend with strong character and looking for the same thing in others I have a few other basic suggestions to improve your relationships. Click here for the next post on confronting problems and apologizing properly.