Step 1 in Online Dating: Making a Good Profile

When I first started online dating I was terrible at it and was horribly unsuccessful at procuring dates. I believe I was running into a few problems:

One, my profile sucked. My pictures were mediocre and the content of my essay was ordinary. Having since gotten much better at it, here are my suggestions for putting together a good profile:

First make sure you have good pictures. You’re naive if you don’t recognize that 80% of judgment in the online dating world is based on pictures. Both guys and girls are very much concerned with looks, guys a little more so. In general people first look at the pictures to see if they’re attracted, if someone likes your pictures they’ll then read your profile to see what you have to say. Try to avoid the self-taken pictures where you’re holding the camera, or you’re taking a picture in the mirror. I just don’t think those look very good.

It’s a common problem to go on a date only to immediately discover that the person’s pictures are misrepresentative of what they look like in real life. I’m personally weary of anyone who has only one picture displayed or has all of their pictures taken from above them. This is because anyone can look good in one picture and having a camera shoot on a downward angle is often used to conceal being a bit overweight. My theory is that some people who are self-conscious about their looks post misleading pictures. They think that if they can get past the hurdle online and get the chance to meet someone their personality will shine through. I think this is a mistake. I think the odds are low of winning someone over who’s just had their aesthetic expectations let down. It’s better to put yourself out there and speak with the people who appreciate the way you look. In your profile, like in life, I believe you want to present yourself in a favorable but accurate light. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

 To that end I recommend having some pictures which capture your face and have some pictures which capture your body. That way for better or for worse potential daters know what their getting and everyone goes in on the same page. People may screen you out if they don’t trust that your pictures are representative. You can also use pictures to show off your personality. I have some pictures of me doing adventure sports, some with friends, and some while traveling.

            So having good pictures will get you past the first hurdle and will get people to read your profile. The next obstacle is having a good essay. You don’t realize until you try to do it but writing 1-3 paragraphs to sum up what you’re about and why someone should date you is a real challenge. If you look at other people’s profiles, most people’s profiles look the same. Everyone likes a night on the town but is also happy cozying up at home to watch a movie. Trying to write about yourself and differentiate yourself is not easy. 

Here are my suggestions: First take a look at the competition. It’s worth looking at other people’s profiles so you know what you are being compared to and what you need to do to stand out. Second, put down in point form the key things that make you interesting and desirable to a potential mate. Finally you need to write it in a creative way. Remember telling is not selling. It doesn’t work to simply say that friends and family are important to you and that you’re passionate about traveling. Who isn’t? It needs to come through examples and/or the tone in which you write. That’s not easy. Get help from a friend if need be. As a quick aside, make sure to have correct spelling and grammar. So many girls’ profiles state that bad spelling and grammar are a turn-off. With modern technology it’s such an easy thing to get right so don’t fuck it up.

You can see my old essay below. It is too long and I’m sure that I lose some people who don’t have the patience to read it but it definitely stands out and accomplishes the others goals I’m trying for.

Plentyoffish.com Profile:

I'm going to try and sum up what I'm passionate about:

1) The relationships I develop and nurture in my life:

I am very close to my family. I have awesome, loving parents. I’m lucky enough to have a brother who is also my best friend. Sadly he lives in California so I generally visit out there twice a year to see him, my sister in law and my three adorable nieces. My brother and I also usually take a trip together once per year. We’re very good about finding time.

My friends are also such a key part of my life. My best friends are still the people I knew from when I was in high school. We understand each other in such a special way because we were together to see each other’s personalities form and develop. Maintaining strong relationships becomes more challenging as everyone gets busier with life but is very important and has been a great source of pride and happiness for me. It’s wonderful to have people who you feel such a loyalty towards and who will always support you.
My future family is almost certainly the key to my future happiness. I believe that 90% of my happiness will be determined by choosing the right person to spend my life with. What could be more important than having the right teammate in life? Also while I’m a few years away from wanting kids, I really look forward to it. I have had a lot of experience working with kids from teaching tennis, baseball, and skiing, and tutoring, and being a camp counselor. I think I’m really good at it. I connect, and relate very well with kids and look forward to raising my own. Having the best possible relationship with my family will be my priority in life.

2) Challenging myself and realizing my potential:

I challenge myself outside of work with various hobbies. Most recently I’ve been training at jiu-jitsu. So far it’s been great. It keeps me in shape, it’s fun, and there is no limit to how much you can improve.

I manage a software company. I’m not technical but am strong on the business side of things. It’s challenging work, I’m constantly learning new things and I’m fortunate to work with great people.

My career aspiration for the future is to run my own business. I am very entrepreneurial by nature and think I would take a real pride in something I built and own myself. Right now my leading idea is to run an adventure tour company. This way I could combine two passions. I’m envisioning taking very small groups of 18-30 year olds around Thailand. I’m sure I can provide people with cool experiences they wouldn’t have on their own.

In general I’ll be content professionally if I can always keep myself in a position where my work is challenging, I’m continuously learning and I can see a valuable contribution to others in what I do. A real dream would be to become financially secure enough that I can make self-fulfillment and contribution my sole professional focus without money being a distraction.

3) Special Experiences:

I guess this would be about doing cool things with cool people. I’m so passionate about traveling because I experience such awesome, memorable things that aren’t available in day to day life. I remember climbing mountains in Switzerland and New Zealand, getting stranded on the streets of Munich for a night, managing torrential down pour and having all our supplies flooded on Frasier Island, hiking through waterfalls in Thailand, becoming friends and staying with a 60 year-old woman in Tasmania. These experiences add a real fun to life and teach you how to turn problems and set-backs into adventure.

I’m looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders, with good priorities and who looks to have fun in life. Don’t be shy to message me. I love to get to know people.

_____________

            I wouldn’t recommend most people writing something quite so long (especially if you’re a girl writing to a male audience) but you get the general idea.

            I have a couple pieces of advice for girls. First, I’m quite sure guys don’t pay as much attention to what you write as you do when reviewing guy’s profiles. So the pressure to put together a good essay is not as strong. However, you need to provide some details about your life so guys have something to write you about. Many girls have expressed frustration to me that guys often write stupid, immature messages like “you’re hot” or “I love your pics”. It is a shame that most guys suck like that (although it’s good that my competition is weak). However, as a girl you can do your part to provide guys with some substance to go off of when they message you.

            Next, I strongly recommend staying clear of writing negatively in your profile. For example, don’t write things like “if you can’t spell properly, don’t bother messaging me” or “If I don’t return your message, take a hint and don’t become an asshole, douchebag about it”. As a guy, I get turned off by this because I fear that if you’re bitchy in your writing, you’re likely bitchy in real life. I’m sure that it’s creepy guys who have caused you to write this way. However, your profile should be geared towards attracting quality guys rather than scarring off creepy ones.

      When I started online dating I fell into the trap of not putting proper thought and attention into my profile but putting a lot of thought into the individual messages I wrote people. This is a mistake. You get much more bang for your buck from a good profile. Everyone you communicate with will see it vs. just the one person seeing a given message. Writing a good profile isn’t easy. I actually enjoyed writing my profile and it was a good opportunity for me to do some self-assessment. I wish you best of luck in putting yours together.

Check out my post that came before this on why you should be online dating. 

Check out my next post on how to send effective message online.
Or if you're considering dating me and reading this blog has made you nervous.